In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems.
With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru.
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Dear Lala,
I might get crucified by your followers, but I need advice so here goes. I’m a single 22-year-old guy in my last year of university, and I haven’t wanted to be in a relationship, but I do enjoy sex and female company. I’m not a f**kboy, or at least I’d like to think I’m not, as I’m always totally upfront about my intentions and what I want. I never lead anyone on. I’ve been seeing a few people regularly and they all know it’s only casual.
Unfortunately, one of them has fallen pregnant. She said she was on the pill, so I thought we were safe, but it failed, and she intends to keep it. I don’t understand why she wants to keep it, we’re not a couple and never will be, she’s a year younger than me and is also still at uni so it makes no sense to me for her to want to be a mum now. I’ve read your posts about how hard parenting can be, especially single parenting, and I feel like she is being very naïve about it all. I really don’t want this. I don’t know if I ever want children but if I do, I wouldn’t want it to be like this with someone I don’t even love and when I’m not financially stable. I don’t understand why she would want to put herself through this.
I realise that if she keeps it then I will have no choice other than being there for the baby, but I feel devastated that she is making a mistake that will change both of our lives forever. I think part of the problem is that she has developed some feelings for me, even before the pregnancy, and I do feel that her feelings are influencing her decision. Do I have the right to keep suggesting that she has an abortion? What could I say to her to make her change her mind? I’m really panicking about this, and I don’t know how to tell my mum.
Lala says,
I think you may get crucified in the comments, but I don’t think it would be deserved, apart from sleeping around without condoms. That was very reckless. If you’re sleeping with multiple partners, you must use condoms regardless of whether they say they’re on contraception or not. But, if your account of things is accurate and you really have been honest and not led anyone on or led them to believe that it was more than sex, or lied about sleeping with others, then essentially, you’ve done nothing wrong. However, one might argue that you should have cut her off once you realised that she was developing feelings when you weren’t. That would be the ethical, non-fu**boy thing to do.
The pregnancy is still your responsibility though. You have the right to have your opinion heard and you have the right to be clear that you want her to have a termination, but you cannot force or pressure her into it. It is her body and her choice. It’s a tough one because it is important for both parents to want a child. I can understand why you feel you’re not ready and that you don’t want fatherhood forced on you in this way. Your reasons are valid, and I feel for you.
But you had sex without a condom, and you should know by now that pregnancy is always a potential risk when you have sex. If you were so desperate not to be a father, then you should have taken steps to prevent it. I get that you thought that she was on the pill, but that is leaving all the responsibility for not getting pregnant to her when you’re both equally responsible for protecting yourselves from things you don’t want. It sounds to me like you’re lucky that you aren’t about to become a father to several baby mums. Let this be a harsh lesson to remind you to protect yourself in future. Sex might feel better without condoms, but the sensation is not worth the aftermath.
I do think it’s important to be very clear with her that you don’t have any romantic feelings and that you’ve no intention of being in a relationship with her. The truth is that you’ll be able to continue your love life with ease, but her future dating life will be seriously hampered if she has this child. You will be able to continue your degree, she may not, and her future employment abilities will be impacted in a way that yours won’t. You can continue to have a social life and travel if you wish. She will only be able to see friends for nights out if someone else is looking after the baby. You can walk away, she can’t. I do hope she fully understands how difficult it is to have a baby with a man who doesn’t want one with you. But there’s sort of no way of communicating that without being a huge d*ck who’s basically saying: “I’m not going to support you.”
If she’s anti-abortion for her own reasons, then there’s little you’re going to be able to do aside from being clear about your own position. Morally, if she doesn’t change her mind, the best thing you could do would be to step up and do as much as you can to not be that dad who walks away. You don’t have to be with her to support her, but supporting her will need to become your mission, because healthy co-parenting with her is the best thing for your baby. If this is going to happen whether you like it or not, then you might as well make the best of it and embrace it. You should tell mum when you feel ready, you could wait until the final decision is made, or tell her now so she can support you to support your pregnant friend. Stand up to your responsibilities, you never know, this could be the making of you.
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