Go abroad? Hah! Flying will be the new smoking… vilified

As Greece burns, and the United Nations issues a code red – whatever that is – we are all probably feeling quite smug that Britain is on course to become carbon neutral by 2050.

But I wonder if we realise just how different life will have to be in a net zero world?

Certainly, you won’t be able to jump into your car and head for the seaside when the sun comes out, partly because it won’t have the range to get there, and if it does, it won’t be able to get back again.

But mainly because electric cars are expensive and most people simply won’t be able to afford one.

Then there’s the issue of tax. At the moment, the British government takes more than £20billion a year in fuel duties, and where is it going to get that sort of dough from when no one is buying fuel?

The Government has no idea. It simply ticked the electric car box and moved on to the next phase of its net zero plan: Home heating.

At the moment, most people keep their houses warm using gas or oil, but plans are afoot to force us to use new technologies instead. Well, I looked into these futuristic ideas for the house I’m building at the moment, and the project manager said simply: “Yes. Lovely. But they don’t work.”

Maybe you think you’ll be able to go abroad in the winter for some warmth, but you won’t. Because flying will become the new smoking. Totally unacceptable.

Even for the RAF. Seriously, it’s announced that it will be net zero by 2040 and that only way it can do that is by replacing its fighter jets with gliders.
Which won’t be able to take off anyway because of all the trees that have been planted on the runways.

One of the biggest changes will be what we eat, because in a net zero world, the Sunday roast will be an impossible dream. And a Maccy D when you have a hangover will be viewed in the same way that we now look at town criers. Something a bit quaint, from the past.

Oh, and you can forget about vegetables, too, because there are plans to use the country’s soil as a gigantic carbon storage facility.

The British countryside? Well farmers will be ethnically cleansed, and it will all be sold to oligarchs and investment funds, who’ll carpet bomb it with mile upon mile of pine forests. Foxes. Badgers. Birds. Insects. Bees. All gone, I’m afraid.

Obviously, we won’t starve. We will buy our food from abroad. From countries that haven’t bothered with this net zero business. China, for example, and India.

Which does beg a question. What is the point of a tiny country like Britain becoming carbon neutral when, on the other side of the world, coal-fired power stations are still pumping millions of tons of CO2 into the upper atmosphere?

We will become a green and peasant land. Home to the thin and the cold and the bored. While in Beijing and Delhi, they’ll be driving Cadillacs and having a ball.

Not rude in 'ealth

YOU might think that August is too early to be thinking about Christmas, but you would be well advised to start shopping now, as retailers say that, thanks to Covid, a shortage of shipping containers and the blockage in the Suez Canal, there will be a catastrophic shortage of toys on the shelves this winter.

And don’t think you can give the kids a bag of cement, either, because there’s a shortage of that too. And timber. And steel. And cars.

Most worrying of all, though, is the news from Lapland that in the past 20 years, thanks to global warming, the number of wild reindeer has halved.
So there will be no Santa Claus, either.

Still, at least we have our health . . . 

Is the virus hiding?

I AM now paying no attention to the pandemic.

I’ve had COVID and both jabs so now I hug friends, shake hands with strangers, lick surfaces and think nothing of my planned trip this afternoon to a hopefully packed and noisy Stamford Bridge.

And yet.

Israel led the world with its vaccination programme and, even as we speak, is giving a booster jab to the over sixties.

But in the past week the number of Covid patients in hospital has DOUBLED.

Meanwhile, Australia is under lock and key but case numbers are soaring, infection rates are rocketing in China, hospitals are full in Texas, daily Covid deaths in Russia have hit a new record and New Zealand’s borders will remain closed until next year.

So I do find myself wondering if we in Britain are just going through a lull at the moment, like we did last Summer, and that come the winter, the virus will be back with a vengeance.

Insurance small print

FOR the past 13 years, Oscar-winning actress Hilary Swank has been in and out of hospital, suffering from ovarian cysts.

It’s been eye-wateringly expensive, and worrying, and then, to make matters worse, her insurance company said that the removal of ovarian cysts was not covered by her policy.

Amazingly, she was surprised by this.

I’m not. I used to have health insurance and every single time I tried to make a claim, I was told: “Oh, you had the operation on a Tuesday? I’m sorry. It says here on page 5,780 of the small print that work done on a Tuesday is not covered”.

My eldest daughter was born with a lazy eye and needed an operation. And when I claimed the cost from the insurers, I was told: “No sorry. We don’t cover cosmetic procedures”.

I told them it wasn’t cosmetic. The doctor told them it wasn’t cosmetic. The surgeon told them it wasn’t cosmetic. But they wouldn’t budge, and as a result, I cancelled my policy and instead put the money I had been spending every month into a special family health bank account.

So now, if my family needs medical attention, I control the funding, not some half-witted functionary in Basingstoke.

Lost voice

SIR TOM STOPPARD, the playwright, says that cancel culture has eroded free speech.

He’s right. Today, I constantly edit myself when I’m out and about, fearful I may say something which brings down the wrath of the woke army on my head.

It’s getting to the point where expressing opinions will become like masturbation.

Something you can only do when no-one’s looking.

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